Recently, I’ve had a string of ‘feeling-pretty-bitter-resentful-jealous-nasty-and-down-right-ornery-look-at-everyone-else-who-is-doing-better-bigger-more-creative-things-how-come-they-get-recognized-for-it-and-not-me’ kind of days! Yup – that about sums it up.
Now my rational mind can tell me why those aforementioned ‘lovely’ thoughts and feelings aren’t true. But it doesn’t matter. Some triggers have been tripped. And how.
It’s not like I enjoy admitting this. It’s not exactly my most shining side. In fact it’s one of my more lurid shadow kind of ‘profiles’. But I guess that’s why the shadow is there – to eventually find its light.
I’m an actress (not a particularly good one, according to what my trigger points are saying right now) and in the theatre we say ‘always find your light’. A good actor always finds her light (otherwise no one will see her).
Interesting turn of phrase huh? Find your light. And quite apt. When we start standing in our light, being more of who we are meant to be and sharing it brilliantly, things that were in the murkiness that could previously remain hidden, start to be seen and kick up a fuss. Why? Because they’re being ousted from their comfy shady place; they’re being forced into the light.
So all my feelings of inadequacies, insecurities, and jealousies that happily stalked me in the dark, now have nowhere to do it.
Let’s back up a bit. What, you might ask, starts all this hoopla? When the status quo is challenged. When I begin stepping into more of my light, becoming more of me, DOING things that express more of me, that’s when the ruckus starts.
Over that past few weeks I’ve seriously started several new writing projects. No pussy-footing around, no hemming or hawing, no to-ing and fro-ing. Nope this is serious. I’ve actually begun brainstorming, writing things down, committing to deadlines. I’ve even told people!!! So of course my ‘not enoughness’ buttons are being pushed.
I’ve written plays before, but these creative endeavors I’ve never attempted. I have, however, dreamt about doing them for years. Crafting a kick-ass wellness workbook – like a bootcamp for bipolar disorder recovery; a memoir that includes parts of my recovery journey I’ve never talked about – like the fact I went to India to be with a guru in between psych ward stays; and a 365 days of wellness quote book for reflection. (Note: I won’t be doing them all at once – that would be a recipe for tripping triggers everywhere.) These babies have blossomed in my mind, and following close behind are those the little gremlins telling me not to bother.
But regardless of what may poke its head out as I step into the light, I’m going to continue onward. Even when those voices in my head tell me ‘her, over there, she’s a waaay better writer; of course, SHE can get published. But YOU? Ha!’ I will continue shifting and adjusting so I find my light.
We each have our own light; one that isn’t, couldn’t be anyone else’s. So step boldly into it. Your gremlins are sure to make a commotion and your triggers will be tripped, that is a given. But don’t let that stop you. When you firmly stand in your light, they will scatter and leave you to shine.
By Victoria Maxwell